Flying Free

I have been unable to add to this space for quite some time as my life got incredibly complicated and I could not deal with anything else.

The things I’m going to tell you are things that you may know about me, or may have realized over time, or maybe all of this is a complete surprise. I have had to work really hard over the past 4 months to get to the point where I can discuss things, and I decided this is a forum where I can present my situation for your consideration. If my husband decides to “check up on me” then maybe he’ll understand things a little better. I don’t really expect that to happen though, because he still has not responded to a serious letter I wrote to him over a month ago about my feelings through this crisis which has resulting in us living separately further apart than he made us do last year.  It really hurt me when he used to tell people our private business, particularly his 16 year old step-daughter (he only knew her since she was 9), telling her things I wasn't even telling my very own children that were unncessary for a child to know. He just dismissed my concerns, and pretended that he didn't notice that she treated me differently after she knew these things.

My husband often "punished" me by taking my computer privileges away over the past 6 years. Rather than discuss things to try and straighten them out, he unilaterally decided that if I didn’t have access to outside things I would learn to accept the things on the inside and forget any problems. Then again, maybe he really didn’t understand that there were problems for both of us, and that treating me that way was not going to provide a solution.  In any case, he couldn’t have been more wrong.

He read this “space” some time ago and commented that it was awfully dark & depressing and he didn’t want me to write like that anymore. He said it sounded like I was very unhappy, but he didn’t want to discuss why I might feel that way.  However, things did seem to be getting better at that time, so I went along with it. I stopped writing negative things. Unfortunately, that meant I stopped writing almost altogether.

I am including some comics from the strip “Between Friends” by Sandra Bell-Lundy because she is currently presenting the spousal abuse issue. I hope you will read it (or look up the archives for Sep/Oct/Nov 2008) to get a clearer and better idea of how it happens and what you, as someone’s friend, can do to help.

Now, as to my life, let me fill in some details. As you are likely aware, I moved from Canada to the UK in 2002 to start a new life with a man who promised to look after me, knowing everything about me (but not having been perfectly honest himself).

My closest friends could see the changes in me after I moved here, especially as I did not keep in touch as I used to. They tried to tell me he wasn’t good for me and I should come home but I thought I knew what I was doing and wanted to make a go of this all on my own. Besides, the “home” they referred to had changed with the breakdown of my first marriage and I hadn’t been able to cope on my own back in Canada, too close to loved ones who didn’t love me anymore. I was trying to make a new home in the UK and I thought we were making our life together.

It didn’t help me that he felt my friends were interfering with our relationship building and so he decided to make it more difficult for me to keep in touch. Not wanting to upset my parents, the only ones I was allowed to keep constant contact with, I played things down and let it slide, figuring I could work things out. He’d calm down and give me back my “privileges” and I’d think things were getting better.  He would love me the way I needed to be loved…one day. I was sure.  He had promised.

Now, I am an intelligent woman.

Bearing that in mind, I know you can not understand how an intelligent woman could allow herself to be abused. I look back and have lots of vague ideas about how I let it happen, but I still don’t really understand how I stood it for so long.  However, I do have one very close friend who found herself in a similar situation years ago, and we couldn’t figure out how it happened to her either. You will never understand how one gets trapped this way unless you experience it yourself…and I PRAY VERY EARNESTLY that you never ever do!!

Abuse is not always physical. That’s one of the big misinterpretations that holds us back from admitting that the way we are being treated is definitely abuse. Cambridge dictionary defines abuse very simply as when someone uses or treats someone or something wrongly or badly, especially in a way that is to their own advantage. Wikipedia gives a very descriptive explanation on domestic abuse:  Physical or psychological domination of another. Domestic abuse often refers to violence between spouses but has many forms, including physical violence, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, intimidation, economic deprivation, and threats of violence.

Basically my best advice is to watch what you agree to even with someone you trust. People take advantage of others all the time, and sometimes it’s done under the guise of love. I thought we had an adult agreement but right from the start it was really one sided. That was sort of alright when I was a very lonely and needful person…but that allowed him to take things a lot further than I would have if I had been thinking clearly. He warned me that if things didn’t go his way he would destroy all my things, and that included the only pictures I had of my kids and other family mementos I had brought to the UK because I thought that was where I would spend the rest of my life. Before I knew it, I was trapped and afraid to lose everything because I had so little and believed I had nowhere else to go.

Fortunately, my nearest and dearest (very few) friends stayed in touch with me and encouraged me, albeit long distance, suffering through my silences, wondering when they would next hear from me.  When things got inexcusably bad a few months ago and he made me quit my job and threatened my life more than once and with graphic detail, I knew I had to leave him.  My friends gave quiet counsel so I could really make up my own mind what I was going to do. There was no use for them to force me into a decision because then I could blame them for it however it turned out.

I was afraid to be alone with him, particularly in the car because he had decided that when my job ended I was going to spend a few months in solitude cleaning and decorating our (fairly isolated) home.  Granted, it was looking a bit untidy due to our both working away from home over the past few years including the last year when he was home alone (by his choice) and I was exhausted by the time I drove the 5 hours each way on the weekends.  In a way, that last year “together” was the most freedom I’d had since meeting him as he wasn’t beside me constantly although he called or expected a call regularly every night. I had enough to do to keep busy so there wasn’t total carte blanche.

After I left him, I tried to work it out slowly, as the counsellors had suggested…speaking to him on the phone only. I rarely answered my mobile when it rang, either because I didn’t hear it (being busy somewhere else) or because I just couldn’t speak to him at the time…but I called him back when I could handle it. My friends wanted me to toss the phone away to relieve the stress, but I wasn’t ready to give him up altogether. I was still hanging onto the hope that we could work it out.

We even met a few times at public places including a psychologist's office…but most of those visits I lied to almost everyone about where I was going because I wasn’t supposed to see him alone. The location of the hostel was to be kept private so spouses couldn’t cause problems for the workers or other residents, but he just didn’t understand why he could meet me there or take me back there…why he couldn’t pick me up in the car and take me for dinner. He started to put real pressure on me to return home and go to the doctor, telling me about all the neighbours who were asking after me. I was keeping in touch with the most important neighbour who I knew would relay my news to others, so I didn’t feel the pressure from her to do anything. I seemed to be getting better, but then I had a real collapse one night and knew I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t trust him with my life…and I was loved enough by my daughter and my best friend to overcome my brainwashing. I allowed the counselor to book me on a flight home…to Canada.

Part of me still wonders if he would have really hurt me. Sad part is he was loving me to the best of his ability, and it was getting better before all this blew up...but I have been reminded that "getting" isn't a way of life. I made mistakes too which threw his trust in me off...but he crossed the line by threatening my personal safety. And yes, the police were advised.

I do know that for over that last month together I would stay awake till he came to bed and fell asleep because I wasn't sure what he might do. BTW, he drank excessively throughout our relationship, but it got ugly in the last month.  I couldn’t give any answers to his incessant questions because he didn’t want to hear my answers, only the ones he wanted me to give...and that caused him to yell and spit at me as he described what should be done to me.  I couldn’t deal with my own guilt and the ever widening gap between us. I don’t know if he would have hurt me…but I did decide it wasn’t worth the risk. 

MANY MANY HEARTFELT THANKS TO MY FRIENDS--MY ANGELS!!--FOR SUPPORTING ME THROUGH THIS MOST DIFFICULT AND FRIGHTENING TIME OF MY LIFE!!

I LOVE YOU ALL DEARLY!!!

HUGGGGGS,

LINDA

 Love, Mom